Larry King and Tony Randall

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Guys take years to commit and have family
Got no bio clocks, sure is handy
So they wait till they're forty, fifty, sixty, eighty
Or start another marriage, have another baby

But don't be Larry King, don't be Tony Randall
Have kids when you're old, too tough to handle
You'll be nappin' in the lobby at Discovery Zone
You'll go to wrestle with 'em, they'll break all your bones

Women think they're still young, they'll be so forever
Oprah's still not married, Barbra still wears leather
They read it in line at the grocery store
Technology makes mothers at 44

But don't be Cheryl Tiegs, don't be like Madonna
Have kids when you're old, just because you wanna
Drop them at Brownies while you dye your hair
Dance at your son's wedding in a wheelchair

Some say they're more patient as they're getting older
But why's the noise seem louder and the winter colder?
Be mistaken for granddad and mom
Will they feed and medicate you on the night of the prom?

Don't be Strom Thurmond, don't be Mick Jagger
Have kids when you're getting old and haggard
It'll feel like parental abuse, 
Eight straight readings, large type Dr. Seuss

It's the age of choice, maybe we to too many
Few see a good mate when, with love, there's plenty
Used to be adults thought their actions through
'Cept when they wore plaid shorts and beehive hairdos

But don't be Woody Allen, don't be Saul Bellow
Try to prove you're young when you're a creaky fellow
Feel lazy while your mind gets hazy
Studies show old seed can make kids crazy

You'll be nappin' in the lobby at discovery Zone
Au pair plays horsey with 'em, cause they broke all your bones

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